I do most of my sermon preparation in my study at home. Out the window there are a couple of Ironwood trees that have been there long before our house was built and are now pretty good size. Those two trees have crossed each other (literally). One large branch has grown across another large branch. When the wind blows, they rock and grate against one another. After decades of this grating in the wind, an amazing thing has happened.
Both having their bark repeatedly stripped away, their sap has intermingled one with the other. Each time they begin to scar over, another wind causes them to dig yet deeper into one another. Now, years later, those two independent trees are nestled tightly against one another as if they were hugging. Although they are still independent, you would never know it from their intertwined appearance. They each provide protection for the other in their injury. Broken, they have become one. And they sing a beautiful song of nature when the wind blows.
I think there is a lesson in this for married couples. There comes a point in marriage where we have hurt each other and learned to embrace and heal each other at the same time. Our bark (human facade) has been stripped away and we become vulnerable to one another. That’s when we either destroy or heal one another. This is the healing time. You must hug each other and hold tight to one another.
“Wounds from a friend are better than kisses from an enemy!” (Proverbs 27:6 TLB).
One of the keys to successful negotiations is to always let the loser save face. President John F. Kennedy understood this. In October of 1962, after more than two weeks of tense negotiation, the Cuban missile crisis was resolved when Soviet leader Nikita Khruschev agreed to remove all missiles from Cuba, if Kennedy, in turn, promised not to invade the island nation.
The only reason the US considered invading at all was to remove the threat of the missiles. According to Kennedy advisor and biographer Theodore Sorensen, the President then “laid down the line for all of us. No boasting, no gloating, not even a claim of victory. We had won by enabling Khruschev to avoid complete humiliation – we should not humiliate him now.”
The same principle worked when defeated General Robert E. Lee surrendered to Union General Ulysses S. Grant that led to the end of the American Civil War. Grant demanded that Lee and his officers be treated with dignity due to their military position.
How many marriages would have been saved if we just made the other party feel like we compromised? How many church splits could have been averted had one side simply refused to not humiliate the other? Our human ego sometimes defeats us. Let your spouse lose with dignity, not humiliation. Because in the end, you really didn’t win, after all. “Honey, I’m sorry” goes a long way. “You were right, after all,” also softens the sharp edge of our tongue.
There is a dangerous place to be when driving: in someone else’s blind spot. A blind spot is that place where the other driver is just out of your view. I once was driving at Interstate speed and attempted to pull out of my lane to pass the slower-moving car ahead of me. However, there was another car pulling out to pass me. He was in my blind spot and we nearly collided. If he was filled with road rage, it was probably justified. I thought I was driving safely, but he thought otherwise.
Could there be blind spots in your life? Could there be areas where you think you’re doing a good job, but everyone around you knows better? Could there be blind spots in your marriage? Could there be blind spots with your finances? Could you have a few blind spots with your co-workers? The problem with blind spots is you can’t see them.
The only way to deal with your blind spots is to get input from others. If you listen, they’ll reveal to you what your blind spots are.
Jesus said, “How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Luke 6:42).
Last year we had a pastor from Indonesia who is a pastor of pastors visit with us. He met with our staff one day to field questions we had about him or his ministry or Indonesia. I told him that the divorce rate in America is about 50% of marriages, and asked him to tell us about the marriage success rate in Indonesia.
He mentioned that there is an area in northern Indonesia that has a strong Christian presence. He said it is also well known to have the highest divorce rate in the populous nation. It was obvious that he was tying the Christian influence with the divorce rate. That’s troublesome.
We asked what his church was doing to address the ongoing problem. The answer: Every couple seeking marriage must meet for 15 pre-marital counseling sessions with an older couple in the church. These sessions cover every aspect of marriage from communication and finances to family planning. And it doesn’t come from pastors, but from experienced lay people who are open to discuss their own mistakes and failings. Because of a strong family culture, both sets of parents are pulled into the counseling, as well. And this older couple has the power to veto any potential marriage if they feel it is not a good fit. And the divorce rate is very low.
Seeing things from another culture can be eye-opening and challenge us to do things the biblical way. I wonder how that would fly in our culture.
Over breakfast one morning a woman asked her husband, “If I died would you remarry?” “Probably,” he responded.
“Would she live in our house, sleep in our bed, and use my golf clubs?” his wife asked. “No,” he replied, “she’s left-handed!”
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener! The truth is, there are times in every marriage when you just have to grit your teeth, pray for grace, and remember your commitment before God. Nevertheless, there are many reasons to celebrate your marriage.
Anita and I have been married 42 years! Some of the times have been extremely difficult for both of us. We are both very opinionated and both think we’re right. But it has taken us 42 years working through the difficulties until we know each other’s likes and dislikes like we do today. If it took 42 years to get where we are, can you imagine how difficult it would be to start that process all over again with a new partner? No way, Josè! I’m sticking with her.
The Apostle Paul defined love this way: “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:9-10). Many couples have a real problem with communication. They have an expectation, but don’t communicate about those expectations; indeed, they may be afraid to talk about those expectations. Here’s a good way to help you talk about your expectations of love with your partner.
Each of you should take a sheet of paper and number 1-20. Now, if your spouse wanted to say “I really love you” in ways you would understand, what are 20 different ways they could demonstrate that? In writing these 20 ways you are describing your love language.
Now, there are three rules: 1) They must be Practical (They need to be behaviorally specific and your partner already has the ability to do these, it only requires their decision). 2) They must be Positive (Do not put things you want them to stop doing, no negatives, positive behaviors only). 3) They must be Personal (These behaviors are directed toward you personally).
After you have each finished your list of ways you would want your spouse to show they love you, exchange lists and talk about them with one another. You might be surprised what you learn about your partner, and about yourself. Now keep that list as a reminder. And let me know how it goes.
Did you know there is a spiritual connection in marriage? Paul counsels husbands with these words: “Likewise [just like Christ gave himself sacrificially], you husbands, dwell with your wives according to knowledge [not just feelings], giving honor to the wife [as a significant part], as unto the weaker [more fragile] vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers are not hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).
On our Christmas tree each year we have plastic ornaments and we have glass ornaments. The grandkids can pluck one of the plastic ornaments off the tree and bounce it off the floor, and we just put it back. But the glass ornaments weren’t designed to be tough or rugged. They were made to be beautiful and sensitive and fragile. So, we use greater care with the glass ones. We place them a little higher on the tree and pack them away more securely. Its like that with your wife. She was created to be beautiful, sensitive and can easily be broken. You can be rugged with the guys and poke fun about their beer belly, but that talk will devastate your wife. She is the more fragile vessel. You need to shift gears when you walk into your home and treat her like you value her. Because a broken ornament can become very jagged and hurt you back. Put on your kidd gloves when dealing with your wife.
Because, if you don’t, and a wedge is allowed to come between you, God will not even hear your prayers. The crack in your marriage covenant will be so offensive to the God who brought you together that He won’t intercede on your behalf. Its just that important that you get this right. You don’t have to get divorced to get God to withdraw, just being stubborn enough to treat her carelessly is all it takes. If you value your relationship with God, you must begin valuing your relationship with your wife.
This would be a good time to go buy some flowers or something. And begin living with her according to knowledge [stop being stupid].